World View

I just finished reading The Dirty Life a memoir about the first year on a farm by modern homesteaders who created a whole diet CSA in upstate New York. After reading this I was inspired to put in some potatoes and work on the beet and bean beds.

I also forgave myself for not having all of the skills and energy to match my ambitions. I feel much more "hurried" in every aspect of my life lately. I am having issues with feeling old. Not decrepit or anything like that, but certainly hemmed in by the years left in my life. Not everything is possible anymore. It is time to refine my desires, and focus on what is really important and let the rest go. This is much easier said than done, much, much easier.

I am finding myself for the first time with REAL regrets. Like anyone, I have wished things have gone better or differently than I had wanted, but I've never had the realizations that I have now of having made bad choices for myself.

The world is not as full of wonder as it once was, the possibilities are no longer infinite. One of the chapters in the book I read was about how freeing it was for the writer when her world shrunk from the East side of NYC to the 15 acres of her little farm and the predictible turning of the seasons. I guess I always wanted both, hence my blog name...

I want to be a world citizen AND a locavore, highly integrated into her community. I don't know how this is possible. In my search for roots and home, I find myself in the place "in between". I don't live in my farm community, and I don't live in the cities anymore, I don't commune with people in either place. I am trapped, and there is no way out of it, except through it.

This begs the question about what my world view should be, and if it is as simple as choosing? More importantly what is my role, where is my place in said world view? Life certainly did not turn out the way I thought it would be, not that it ever does, but I am really sad about it. Disenchanted doesn't quite cover it. I think I still feel like that world I imagined does in fact exist, and it is still going on without me. I have not decided if it is better to still believe and feel left out, or to stop believing altogether.

Sometimes I wish I was easier to please, I'm sure my loved ones wish this as well.

I am sure that this will work itself out. In the meantime, I am learning how to can and eating something of the farm everyday, and that is pretty great.