Sunday, June 1, 2014

A Not so Simplistic New Beginning

Hello all,

It's been awhile, but I feel called to resurrect my blog.  Here's the thing though:  My life is not as simplistic or voluptuous as it once was; I'll attempt to give you a 20 second review of my life since my last post...

I did in fact graduate from Midwifery school, and passed the licensure exam. The I had to travel to Seattle for business, which broke my herbalist's heart to see lush plantain, dandilion, and chickweed and know that it would be 3-4 months before I had it at home.  I came home from that trip and decided to buy a house without my husband,(We are still together, but we rent his house and live in mine) but 4 weeks later I found out I was pregnant!  That house deal fell through, so around my birthday I started looking in earnest, because now this home was not just for my own middle-aged need for independence, it was for a new life-and good schools, and a safe street.  I moved into my Barbie Dream House on August 30th, and gave birth to my son on January 30, 2014.  These have been the sweetest days of my life.  My home is the sanctuary that I have been missing my whole life, and my son is the best thing I ever did!

I did choose a home that is very close to the farm, so I can have the best of both with a short commute.  I am doing more homesteading this year than I have in previous years.  We have 8 laying hens now, and just had a successful maple syrup season.  I was a little bit obsessed with making healthy first foods for my baby to be last summer, so my canning pantry includes tons of veggies and fruits.  I also stored water this year for the first time, which seemed a little bit too nutty until the watermains all over the upper midwest started freezing solid with the extra cold winter we had.

A week from today I turn 40 years old.  Holy Crap! HOW the fuck did that happen?  I will tell you however, that the rumors are true.  I've never been more secure, happy, calm, empowered, or happy in my life-but I do have some disappointments with my body.  So it seems I'm right on track.

Like all new moms, I have a hard time leaving the baby, so my social calendar is basically empty, but at least I love instead of hate my home.

I have always gotten introspective in the days and weeks leading up to my birthday.  Every year since 17, I have spent that introspective time in regret.  It occurred to me in the shower yesterday, that this year I have none!  I'm still a little down, but I started listing the regrets that used to consume me, with which I no longer struggle:

  • I no longer wish that I would wake up in high school and be able to do my early adulthood over.-This is directly related to connecting with some of my old classmates from high school whom are no more or less successful or happy than I am.
  • I no longer stress about money. In the words of Jimmy Buffet "I made enough money to buy Miami, but I pissed it away so fast."  I have reasonable debt, decent savings, and good investments.  I drive a 16 year old car, because what I drive is not important to me.  I have nicer furniture than my income would allow, because I buy it used.  I have a beautiful, way too big, Victorian home, but I bought it on a shortsale and it needs a lot of work-it's worth much more than I paid for it. Because someone has more than me does not make me a loser.  Because I have more than someone else does not make me an asshole.  Money comes and goes, and it doesn't mean as much to me as it used to.
  • My sense of personal style is strange and I could care less if anyone (men or women) likes it. I like nice jewelry and very nice handbags. As a large curvy girl, clothing has never looked good on me, so I just don't care about it. Yes that is me carrying a $900 Burberry bag, and wearing Tiffany earrings with a my $4.00 Target dress from 2 years ago.  Whatevs-that's how I roll.  I am neither embarrassed nor self-conscious about either. Haters gonna hate.
  • I am so very grateful that I am no longer beating myself  up about my education.  I finally went back for my degree and graduated with a 4.0.  I can now admit that my first college experience failed due to my lack of maturity and lack of support, not because I was too dumb-which was my fear.
  • The world does not work at all like I expected, and that doesn't mean I'm doing it wrong.  Love is neither as wonderful nor as awful as we have been led to believe.  What goes around, does not always come around.  People do not get everything (good or bad) they deserve.  Sometimes you do settle-and that's ok.  Unanswered prayers are sometimes blessings. The entire world is shades of grey-and I'm not talking about mom-porn.
  • I am so happy that I don't have to wonder anymore what it would be like to have a baby. It's the best thing ever.

Now I'm just focusing on defining my values; how to live them and how to pass them on. Now THAT's pretty voluptuous.