Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Slumber Party

So, DH and I do not have AC in our bedroom, or really any other part of the house. It has been literally 100 degrees here in the upper midwest all week and we are melting away. Sunday, DH was catatonic from the heat, Monday was my turn to crash, Tuesday the electricity was out until just before bed, so we put a window unit in a room that we typically use for storage. DH is sleeping on a girly day bed that makes him look like a giant, I am sleeping on a massage table. AND I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE! Bedtime has been like the slumber parties of my youth. I read him the funny parts of the book I'm into right now, he tells me what is going on with his goofy FB friends.

He wakes me up in the morning with kisses and jokes and tries to make the dog attack me. He makes coffee and dire predictions about the weather. I tell him about my crazy dreams of apple orchards and being chased by rednecks who sing songs for me.

When we sleep in the same bed we try really hard not to wake or disturb each other, but these separate beds, all Ricky and Lucy style, have turned us into giggling dorm mates and its pretty hilarious.

Mature love is much different from new love. You have to measure the comfort and ease that is gained against the panty ripping passion that was once our reality. My panties have gotten much more expensive since then, but a few still get sacrificed now and then. DH and I do not have the perfect marriage, but I do trust him to be gentle with my heart and spirit, and he makes me laugh everyday, like really laugh, til we're both sore and teared up.

It is interesting to look back and discover just how closely aligned our goals, dreams, and even politics have become. We are definitely still distinct people, but I have never trusted anyone so much.

So on to our little farm. The chickens are producing more eggs than we typically eat, but not so many that we can be reliable sellers. We'd like a few more layers, but this is ok for now.

We moved the kittens to the barn this week, so far so good, but everyday I wonder if I will find them all alive and well. I know this is my childlike love for them and also years of being a housecat owner with a natural distrust of the outdoors for cats.

The weeds in the garden have taken over, but we have enjoyed food from the garden with regularity. There has been lots of rain and lots of sun, hot though we may be, we are blessed in this way.

Berry season is starting to taper off, but the heat plus my work schedule have kept me from having any kind of meaningful harvest. If they hang on til next week, I might still have a chance.

Voluptuous Update: My husband really loves me, when I don't slip out of his grip because it's too hot!

Simplicity Update: We have new renters for the city house, we hope they are really happy here!

Monday, July 11, 2011

World View

I just finished reading The Dirty Life a memoir about the first year on a farm by modern homesteaders who created a whole diet CSA in upstate New York. After reading this I was inspired to put in some potatoes and work on the beet and bean beds.

I also forgave myself for not having all of the skills and energy to match my ambitions. I feel much more "hurried" in every aspect of my life lately. I am having issues with feeling old. Not decrepit or anything like that, but certainly hemmed in by the years left in my life. Not everything is possible anymore. It is time to refine my desires, and focus on what is really important and let the rest go. This is much easier said than done, much, much easier.

I am finding myself for the first time with REAL regrets. Like anyone, I have wished things have gone better or differently than I had wanted, but I've never had the realizations that I have now of having made bad choices for myself.

The world is not as full of wonder as it once was, the possibilities are no longer infinite. One of the chapters in the book I read was about how freeing it was for the writer when her world shrunk from the East side of NYC to the 15 acres of her little farm and the predictible turning of the seasons. I guess I always wanted both, hence my blog name...

I want to be a world citizen AND a locavore, highly integrated into her community. I don't know how this is possible. In my search for roots and home, I find myself in the place "in between". I don't live in my farm community, and I don't live in the cities anymore, I don't commune with people in either place. I am trapped, and there is no way out of it, except through it.

This begs the question about what my world view should be, and if it is as simple as choosing? More importantly what is my role, where is my place in said world view? Life certainly did not turn out the way I thought it would be, not that it ever does, but I am really sad about it. Disenchanted doesn't quite cover it. I think I still feel like that world I imagined does in fact exist, and it is still going on without me. I have not decided if it is better to still believe and feel left out, or to stop believing altogether.

Sometimes I wish I was easier to please, I'm sure my loved ones wish this as well.

I am sure that this will work itself out. In the meantime, I am learning how to can and eating something of the farm everyday, and that is pretty great.